Trying to reinvent myself

Reinventing Myself (more info at www.palomacruz.com)

One of the biggest challenges I’ve been seeing lately is trying to answer questions about my plans for the future, immediate and long-term. I’m unemployed, I should be frantically looking for a new job … but I’m not. I should have some idea of what I’m going to do for money (a job or freelancing) … but I don’t. I should have some idea of what I would like to do in a business (assuming I “launch” one) … but I don’t. I actually don’t know anything right now. It’s disconcerting.

I give my family and friends a lot of credit, they’re being very supportive. They haven’t started to freak out on me yet. They haven’t started to push yet.

I’m pretty sure I don’t want another job, but I haven’t “decided” that yet. I’m pretty sure that I want to start my own business, but I haven’t taken the first steps to make that happen. I know that I want to do more fun things and to be more visible in offline events; this is one thing I have actually started to do.

I have started to rebrand myself, from a new cut and new clothes, to changing the type of writing I’m doing and reassessing what I want to show professionally. I think this may be my first step. But I need to establish some timelines; I can’t spent too long finding myself. At some point bills need to get paid.

I changed my life … now what?

I changed my life ... now what?

Have you ever wondered what happens the day after “happily ever after?” The day after the revolution? The day after you upend your entire life and change everything?

I did that a few weeks ago — changed my life. Well, sort of ripped it apart a little. Made a change that has an impact on everything. Now I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do next.

We identify ourselves a certain way — by our families, loved ones, careers, achievements, even by our looks — and we get attached to that way of thinking. I am the sum of those parts. When you take away one of them, what’s left?

Don’t mind me. This is middle-of-the-night rambling. I’ll make more sense with more sleep.

Why did I say that?

 

 

I never should have opened my mouth. For two days I’ve been trying to overcome the overwhelming desire to strike back. It was a petty, mean thought that I knew I would regret.

I fought the urge for two days. Then I lost. I opened my mouth and told a tale — the wrong words to the wrong person. 

He’ll do something, react. He’ll hold a grudge, but not against me. And that was the point.

I gave in to the petty urge, and now I feel guilty.

Guilt guilt guilt. 

When the chips fall hard on my head, I will once again feel regret. I probably won’t have to wait long.

I should have been a grown up. But I wasn’t. 

***** Written on my ipad. I promise to proof and edit it later (maybe). ******

What happens in the dim bar…

At some point in the conversation I realize that he’s been flirting with intent. I look at this man across the table from me, too young and too beautiful, and I smile at him. And then it dawns on me that he’s been waiting for me to make the next move.

We’re sitting in a fashionable but semi-deserted hotel bar where I’ve been been entertaining him for the past few hours with the unfiltered words that tend to color my conversations. Really, he’s just been my attentive audience for most of it. Nice scenery to look at while I talk out loud.

The dull roar that swirled around us at the beginning has dimmed to a quiet murmur as fewer people remain. We’ve been camped out in the same place since the business day ended, nursing the same drink for long enough that the waiter stopped coming by to check up on us. We’re both mellow and relaxed.

There’s this moment… a moment of delight as I realize that he’s looking at me with that kind of genuine appreciation that so rarely makes an appearance these days. It’s friendly, but with heat and without pressure. It’s an invitation.

I am shallow enough that I wallow in that look for a long few minutes as I contemplate the possibility of actually giving him a sign, making a move. My mind flits through different scenarios, the pros and cons, in a single second. And the moment holds on, and our smiles remain, and our eyes are still locked, and we’re still silent now.

And then I remember to breathe.

{{Yes, dear reader, that’s all you get.}}

image source: sharonang / Pixabay