I’m too sober for this

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Woman, Drinking

"I can beat that," I tell my friend, laughing too loud even for the too loud cafe. We've been entertaining each other with funny and funny-because-they're-sad stories from work. I know my next story will win the undeclared competition: "My boss came up to me at a Christmas party and honked my boobs." I can tell I have her attention by the abrupt silence and wide eyes. "A guy?" she asks me, I think already knowing the answer. "Nope," I tell her. "It was a woman." And I smile and pause. "She … [Read more...]

Have I mentioned that there’s something wrong with me?

Woman, Sleeping

I missed a celebration last night because I was asleep. I took some medication and just slept through it. Of course, the argument could be made that I just didn't want to go. (And I didn't.) But I had intended to go, and I didn't. I worked through the night to meet a contract deadline that I'd (somehow) forgotten until reminded. And I mean that I worked until 7 am to finish the documents, construct the paperwork, and send them to the client. But I met my deadline. So, instead of going to a … [Read more...]

I didn’t think this through…

Business, Woman

Today, for the first time, I realized that if even if just half the proposals I've put out get picked up, I'm going to need help. I'll need other professionals, people I trust with higher level work. But I'm going to need warm bodies to attend meetings on my behalf, take pics, update documents, and pretty much just do assisting work. I'm going to need an assistant. That's a scary thought. I don't have the slightest idea how I'll do this. If the proposals get picked up. If I start getting … [Read more...]

The things my friends may not know about me


I'm easily distracted. I'll pick up my phone to look for something and realize ten minutes later, after putting it down, that I didn't look for the item. I'm very bad with money. I get a little bit and the compulsion to spend it is immediate and often almost overwhelming. I'm shocked I've managed to save any money at all. I don't remember what I wore yesterday, or last week, or to the last gala. When I work in an office I keep a journal documenting what I wore and when. Otherwise I run the … [Read more...]

An unexpectedly bad day…


Someone needs to explain to me that everything that goes up must come down ... before I crash down. {{sigh}} I didn't crash today, but I did have a rough landing. I cracked a filling, again. The same one I cracked last year. And I don't have dental insurance right now because I thought it would be a good idea to quit my job. I'm not out of money yet. Nowhere near, yet. But I'm realizing I'm going to be out of money a lot quicker than I thought. Just a little bit of a depressing thought. … [Read more...]

I am my own worst critic, A.K.A. who is that fat girl in the photo?

I am my own worst critic, A.K.A. who is that fat girl in the photo? (more info at palomacruz.com)

"Big." "Chunky." "Plus-sized." These are all words my loved ones would use to describe my appearance. Others would just call me "fat." The medical community would use the word "obese." Strangers and acquaintances alike take it upon themselves to try to shame me, to make me understand the way that I'm destroying the world by insisting on being fat. There's an entire industry (several, in fact) dedicated to trying to solve this problem for me. And I'm told every day, in many many ways, that if … [Read more...]

Sometimes I sound like my sister


  It's a running joke in my family that my sister is ... well ... high maintenance I think is the polite version. We've used other words within the family, but most of them are not suitable for the blog, so I won't go there. I love her. We all love her. But, she wants what she wants in the way she wants it. No deviations are permitted. No small changes are allowed. No excuses are accepted.  She picks the restaurant. She chooses the cake. She decides the time. And she has veto … [Read more...]

Trying to reinvent myself


One of the biggest challenges I've been seeing lately is trying to answer questions about my plans for the future, immediate and long-term. I'm unemployed, I should be frantically looking for a new job ... but I'm not. I should have some idea of what I'm going to do for money (a job or freelancing) ... but I don't. I should have some idea of what I would like to do in a business (assuming I "launch" one) ... but I don't. I actually don't know anything right now. It's disconcerting. I give my … [Read more...]

I changed my life … now what?

I changed my life ... now what?

Have you ever wondered what happens the day after "happily ever after?" The day after the revolution? The day after you upend your entire life and change everything? I did that a few weeks ago -- changed my life. Well, sort of ripped it apart a little. Made a change that has an impact on everything. Now I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do next. We identify ourselves a certain way -- by our families, loved ones, careers, achievements, even by our looks -- and we get attached to that way … [Read more...]

Why did I say that?


   I never should have opened my mouth. For two days I've been trying to overcome the overwhelming desire to strike back. It was a petty, mean thought that I knew I would regret.I fought the urge for two days. Then I lost. I opened my mouth and told a tale -- the wrong words to the wrong person. He'll do something, react. He'll hold a grudge, but not against me. And that was the point.I gave in to the petty urge, and now I feel guilty.Guilt guilt guilt. When the chips fall … [Read more...]