This year, in retrospect, has been very, very bad. Of course, whiny woman that I am, all of you already know that.
I would like to be able to look back and say that the year really hasn’t been all that bad. I want to be able to sit down and list the successes and accomplishments I’ve had, like my idea of a ‘normal’ person would. I’d like to be able to see all that I’ve done this year and say “see that, I did that, and it was a good thing.”
I can’t do that. I can’t look back at this miserable year, this 1998, and say “gee, that wasn’t too bad.” I can’t stop for a moment and think that things could have been worse. Because, quite honestly, I don’t like believing that they could have gotten worse. I don’t want to think about how lucky I am that the damage was . . . manageable.
What I want to do, what I’m going to do, is look towards 1999 as the beginning of a better era. That can’t be that difficult. It can’t be too hard to improve upon this purgatory of a year I’ve just survived. Can it?
I will have a better year, no matter what the gods or fate or whatever deity or supreme power is in charge of my good fortune has to say about it. Just stand back and watch me.
I will treat myself well, no matter how childish my parents decide to behave or how much guilt they drop at my doorstep. I am through playing Maria to their whims, martyr to their causes, good girl to their role as parents.
I am going to live happily ever after. Eventually. 1999 seems like as good a time as any to start up on that project. Not that I actually think that I’ll ever achieve complete and total happiness, but it’s a nice goal to have. It’s a nice dream to hold.
I guess I should make up some new year’s resolutions or something. Maybe have it made into a laminated card to carry around with me always. Some kind of Paloma commandments to help keep myself centered, focused. They would all be about me. Touchy feely stuff about loving myself, respecting myself and demanding respect from those around me. Things like working on relearning how to like who I am, difficult bitch that I can sometimes be. Difficult stuff like cutting myself away from my parents and their problems. Real stuff like goals for finding a new job and getting my finances in order.
I hope that all of you, my loyal readers, and even those of you who have wandered into this space because you got lost somewhere, that all of you have a happy new year. I hope your 1999 turns out to be good for you.