Trying to reinvent myself

Reinventing Myself (more info at www.palomacruz.com)

One of the biggest challenges I’ve been seeing lately is trying to answer questions about my plans for the future, immediate and long-term. I’m unemployed, I should be frantically looking for a new job … but I’m not. I should have some idea of what I’m going to do for money (a job or freelancing) … but I don’t. I should have some idea of what I would like to do in a business (assuming I “launch” one) … but I don’t. I actually don’t know anything right now. It’s disconcerting.

I give my family and friends a lot of credit, they’re being very supportive. They haven’t started to freak out on me yet. They haven’t started to push yet.

I’m pretty sure I don’t want another job, but I haven’t “decided” that yet. I’m pretty sure that I want to start my own business, but I haven’t taken the first steps to make that happen. I know that I want to do more fun things and to be more visible in offline events; this is one thing I have actually started to do.

I have started to rebrand myself, from a new cut and new clothes, to changing the type of writing I’m doing and reassessing what I want to show professionally. I think this may be my first step. But I need to establish some timelines; I can’t spent too long finding myself. At some point bills need to get paid.

I changed my life … now what?

I changed my life ... now what?

Have you ever wondered what happens the day after “happily ever after?” The day after the revolution? The day after you upend your entire life and change everything?

I did that a few weeks ago — changed my life. Well, sort of ripped it apart a little. Made a change that has an impact on everything. Now I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do next.

We identify ourselves a certain way — by our families, loved ones, careers, achievements, even by our looks — and we get attached to that way of thinking. I am the sum of those parts. When you take away one of them, what’s left?

Don’t mind me. This is middle-of-the-night rambling. I’ll make more sense with more sleep.

Why did I say that?

 

 

I never should have opened my mouth. For two days I’ve been trying to overcome the overwhelming desire to strike back. It was a petty, mean thought that I knew I would regret.

I fought the urge for two days. Then I lost. I opened my mouth and told a tale — the wrong words to the wrong person. 

He’ll do something, react. He’ll hold a grudge, but not against me. And that was the point.

I gave in to the petty urge, and now I feel guilty.

Guilt guilt guilt. 

When the chips fall hard on my head, I will once again feel regret. I probably won’t have to wait long.

I should have been a grown up. But I wasn’t. 

***** Written on my ipad. I promise to proof and edit it later (maybe). ******

So I quit my job today …

I-Quit!

I didn’t intend to do it. I was going to be professional, calm, adult-like. I was going to update my resume, start to look for a job discretely, find something then leave. It was a plan.

I made that decision mid-morning.

Then I realized that that idea of going into this workplace on a daily basis was making me hyperventilate. It was making me sick to my stomach. So, then, I realized that I need to quit now. So the plan was that I was going to write my letter of resignation and turn it in tomorrow.

I made that decision mid-afternoon.

Then I sat in a meeting and got so worked up, so upset that I walked into my boss’ office and told her that I was going to quit and that the letter would follow shortly.

I made that decision late afternoon.

In two weeks I will be unemployed for the first time in my adult life. I don’t have a job waiting. I don’t have a plan. I don’t know what I’m doing next.

All I know is that I’m so relieved that in a few weeks I don’t have to go into that workplace any more. I don’t have to navigate those people any more. I’ll be done.

It’ll hit me soon. Right now I feel like someone pulled a huge weight off me. Ask me how I feel in two weeks.